OK. I am not going to rant but I cannot help but think that it is quicker to go to the Arctic and back than trying to get to Wycombe and back. Well the temperature's the same when you have been waiting for over an hour. But that's OK, sort of, because you have the privilege to see where the bus isn't via the £££s SatNav doobry whatsit thing recently installed. Right riveting entertainment. So, still not ranting, which is FINE. The 08:11 is still 24 minutes away which is interesting because that was 40 mins ago, but it doesn't matter because the next one was on it's way. Fantastic, two together again. Or not. The one that became 15 mins away, stayed that way for an hour has now broken down, as heard on the grapevine, or by your friends driving by. Still, there is hope, another one  was only 1 min away and now 'due'. All smiles as it arrives and waves but NOPE! The driver smiles and waves back and drives on. Out of service apparently, bloody well looked like it was moving to me..One hour and a half later we share a taxi. Methinks a new Fat Controller is needed... Might see if the Andrex puppy would like to have a go, at least we'll know we will get shat on.... no RANT!!!!!

BREAKING NEWS.... Santa Claus will be late tonight so dont stay up. He was last seen waiting for a number 37 bus

BUSES!!?? Don't talk to me about buses!! http://bitly.com/bundles/o_2scs7qpdk0/1

Ok. It didn't go AWOL, it was only 25 minutes late. Entertaining though, Audrey was waiting for the same bus and she had the Dunkirk spirit alright. Not only was she shouting out how the 37 was getting later and later, she was organising the mass of waiting passengers for other buses. "Ere comes the 39! Whose waiting for that?" "Here's a 32!" "Who wanted a 32!!!" "Where's the bloody 37!!" Oi! You wanted the x740 to Heathrow! It's just there!! " Christ, not another 32, bloody hell, there's another one behind it! How many people live in Micklefield!" then with a whoop (yes, a whoop) of excitement, you hear a scream of " 'Bout bloody time!, the 37 is here! Everyone ! The 37 is here" at the top of her voice. "Don't panic! It's here everyone!". Well I'm well impressed with the power and resilience of Tena Ladies, it's awesome.......

So. I am coming to the conclusion that the erratic behaviour of the 37 bus is strangely related to the Mayan Apocalypse due to happen on Friday. All those moons floating around coming together after 5,125 years with precision timing and location. Excellent planning all those years ago, well done Chaps!. An event we will never see again. However, as I said before, seeing the 37 bus turn up is an event in itself, let alone on time. It might do on Friday though, because apparently there's isn't going to be anything left on this planet except a single 37 hopper and my bus stop. I wonder if Audrey will be wearing her one pound Guard Your Self Against The Mayan Apocalypse Tena Ladies Big Pants on......

Soo...Monday morning and the bus is late. Again. Which is fine. I get on it, part with 16 quid and the driver turns the engine off. Obviously. He phones HQ who clearly dont give a shit that yet another bus has broken down. They must have a bloke whose job it is to keep his mate in the repair department busy. Next bus 40 mins. Fan bloody tastic....

The 37 bus. Sooooo pissed off with it I don't know where to start. So I won't. That is all.

Love going on the bus I do. Not only is it late and I had to listen a mad Doris about how she loves travelling on various buses all bleeding day especially as she does not have to pay for her tickets. Which is priceless. So it arrives full and we are stuck in traffic watching the same set of lights change 50 million times. Why are we stuck?Because another badly maintained bloody arriva bus has broken down. Perhaps they should stop spending money on useless electronic bus nav signs that don't actually tell you anything, in particular the new one in wooburn that faces the wrong way. Magic that. To cap it off all the passengers from the broken down pile of shite are pouring on. Yup, love it I do...

Holy shit Fenton, it's bloody freezing waiting for a bus when you've got a load of no hair...

I cannot begin to explain the euphoria and inner warmth on this cold winters night, of watching a steady stream of buses, pull up and see husbands going home to their new borns, wives going home with the Xmas presents, school kids jumping on, rushing to get home to a warm home cooked tea. I could sit here all night. Well, in fact I am. It's so lovely its hard to describe, mainly because my hands cold and my fingers are numbing. Quite lonely though, there's only me and the road sweeper on community service. Which is nice..

So.Diary of a bus driver.

5.00 a.m. wake up. 5.45 a.m. get up, wash shower and maybe shave. 5.46 a.m. stare in mirror and maintain a grumpy suspicious expression until the kettle boils. 6.00 a.m. catch the rivals bus company's bus to work because your own one might have broken down. 7.00 a.m swagger into the depot as if you own the place, down a can of coke in front of your mates, burp as loud as

 you can and bicycle kick the crushed can straight in the waste bin. 8.00 a.m start the bus up and put the heating on in the cab, fart, then open all the windows for maximum discomfort, smirking. 8.30 a.m. arrive first stop, let a load of twats on, some had pissing discounts. Frowned at them. 9.00 a.m. took a diversion for a bacon sandwich and a dump at Tescos, which was ripe. 9.01 a.m. told the TWIRLIES they were too early to use their OAP discount card and drove off - had a right old chuckle. 10.00 a.m. still stuck in traffic, not moving, quick doze. 10.55 a.m. refused entry to a complete twat on to my bus, MY BUS, dressed as a pirate, probably on some strange drugs 12.00 noon lunch 14.00 now off to somewhere else, but should be ok because the fat twat controller gave me the company compass and map of Brazil which my mate had borrowed this morning. Half a chance of knowing where I was going 14.00 - 16.30 roam around randomly 16.50 pulled up at the lights just after stop and wouldn't let a bald headed fat twat on, could have let him on, god I laughed as I drove off. 17.00 pulled up at next set of lights just after stop and let some fit bird on.. yeahh.. I'm the man....made my day 17.30 dropped the bus off, told the Fat Twat what a great geezer of a boss he was and spent the rest of the evening in the Falcon with my mate Postman Pete and sank a few Bus Bombs. Might go for a shag with Audrey later if it's the right time of the timetable....

So.Diary of a bus driver.

5.00 a.m. wake up.

5.45 a.m. get up, wash shower and maybe shave.

5.46 a.m. stare in mirror and maintain a grumpy suspicious expression until the kettle boils.

6.00 a.m. catch the rivals bus company's bus to work because your own one might have broken down.

7.00 a.m swagger into the depot as if you own the place, down a can of coke in front of your mates, burp as loud as you can and bicycle kick the crushed can straight in the waste bin.

8.00 a.m start the bus up and put the heating on in the cab, fart, then open all the other windows, smirking.

8.30 a.m. arrive first stop, let a load of twats on, some had pissing discounts. Frowned at them.

9.00 a.m. took a diversion for a bacon sandwich and a dump at Tescos with my bus discount card

9.01 a.m. told the TWIRLIES they were too early to use their OAP discount card and drove off - had a right old chuckle.

10.00 a.m. still stuck in traffic, not moving, quick doze.

10.55 a.m. refused entry to a complete twat on to my bus, MY BUS, dressed as a pirate, probably on something strange

12.00 noon lunch

14.00 now off to somewhere else, but should be ok because the fat twat controller gave me the company compass and map of Brazil which my mate had borrowed this morning. Half a chance of knowing where I was going

14.00 - 16.30 roam around randomly

16.50 pulled up at the lights just after stop and wouldn't let a bald headed fat twat on, could have let him on, god I laughed as I drove off.

17.00 pulled up at next set of lights just after stop and let some fit bird on.. yeahh.. I'm the man....made my day

17.30 dropped the bus off, told the Fat Twat what a great geezer of a boss he was and spent the rest of the evening in the Falcon with my mate Postman Pete and sank a few Bus Bombs. Might go for a shag with Audrey later if it's the right time of the timetable....

Oh joy. That's made my day. A new bus stop with electronic display of when the next one and only fecking bus on this route is due. WHAT'S THE POINT !!!! AAAAAAARRRRGH !!!!

Jesus Christ, the 37 bus service has to be the worst service going. Only 25 minutes late in the pissing cold. Me and this Doris are the only people left in town. Oh GOD !!!! No we're not, everyone else alive is already on it and It's pigging cattle truck time. Getting bloody fed up with this, I'm beginning to think The Fat Tosser is doing it on purpose...

I happened to notice in the Bus Gazette Monthly, which is a most interesting read, obviously, your job application for the position of the Fat Controller and I must say that I am indeed a bit interested in having a stab at it. I have over the years collected bus registration plate numbers and have also started recording chassis numbers which is proving a b

it tricky as they tend to move about a bit. This may be an advantage to your company, for whatever reason. However, I would like to know, to be the Fat Controller, what is the weight required? Is there any controlling involved? Will there be a company X box for my personal use whilst ensuring the drivers have enough tea breaks? If not, you could jack up the fares for a while to cover it anyhow. Also, do you have to be completely inept, or just a bit? Some days I can be really dizzy, sometimes just spaced out, which I think may contribute towards the service you are trying to achieve. Or not. I also like the fact that the company policy is to use recycled washing machines on wheels as a form of transport which I am sure the passengers really appreciate. I also was a very good with Vagabonds, Bounders and Brigands but the Pirate thing never did it for me, as the parrot and I argued alot and we never got on. Typical bird, nice feathers though. I have the neccessary driving qualifications and the man at Legoland driving centre said he had not seen anything quite like it, which I took as a sincere complement. Which was nice. Well, I am looking forward to hearing from you very soon and my guide dog Molly, can't wait either as she needs to teach me the routes as I am partially sighted,

Billy Big Bus

The wheels on the bus dont go round don't go round, dont go round,the wheels on the bus dont go round all the time...

The wipers on the bus just don't work, just don't work, just don't work, the wipers on the bus just don't work they've gone wrong..

The chavs on the bus go bling bling bling, got a new phone, do you like it Tone, the chavs on the bus go ring ring ring, It's a shellsuite thing, loovelleee bling..

The drivers on the bus go moan moan moan, who's on the phone, watch it mate, the drivers on the bus go grump and moan, gerroff the phone, grump and moan, cos I'm not late..

Dear Mr Fridge

I would like to apply for the position of Fat Controller but not just yet as I am not nearly fat enough. However, I do have other attributes to offer. I actually am completely useless or even inept at timekeeping and organising things, even when I had my train set, that never ran on time and they were always breaking down. This I feel, will contribute greatly to running your wonderful bus company. I am also particularly good with ex pirates, vagabonds and brigands who have a desire to piss people off at the drop of a hat. As for the costs of running a broken down fleet of converted Tuk Tuks, I actually am as tight as a gnats arse, as my small diminishing group of acquaintances will tell you. I am good at disarray but if you could put me on a course for time travel, that would be nice.

Job Application
Position: Fat Controller

We are a major player in the Bus business and we are looking for a non-dynamic person who is completely incapable of running our out of town, over priced bus service. Must be an expert in time travel and a background of cattle herding would be an advantage.

You would also be responsible for the employment of a band of retired ex pirates, brigands and vagabonds completely not interested in driving a bus. Should any start enjoying themselves and become content, polite to customers and generally happy in their job, you will be responsible for their immediate retraining and monitoring thereafter. This will be your main objective and would take priority over running a timetable.

You must use the smallest buses at peak times only and keep the running costs as tight as a gnats arse in order to maximise the possibility of breakdowns to save on fuel.
If you would like an interview and want to be on time, please use a different bus company or another form of transport...

Applications to Phil The Fridge by 1st June 2020

Jesus Christ Fenton! The bus is on time! Actually it's probably the earlier one running late, in fact it must be because its rammed. On the old emergency fold downs feeling all the potholes as we go and there's a proper racket towards the back coming from two giggling gerties. Yak yak giggle yak yak giggle, my word, where's the volume button!!! All the other Dorises were trying to keep up but they were rubbish.Apparently they had been out all night and were still bouncing, which is lovely. I think it was Lozenge and Pinky Scary Stick Thin Mary which is a bit of a team.... Now there's a thought...Saw Germaline briefly, which is a Scottish thing, och aye and all that, no sign of Audrey and her tagged hubcap Ernie for a while, last time I saw her she had a copy of Nuts magazine which Ernie was looking forward to as his made Dave got hold of a back street copy. She gave her mates the old raised eyebrow thing and pushed her chest up a bit. That will be in the recycling before you know it. Dead keen on seeing who won the Best Bus Awards yesterday, I cannot think who the hell thought of the idea of the awards personally, it must be me..

It's a Christmas special! Those Three Kings would have enjoyed it...

We three blokes are forming a queue,
Drinking beer we wanted to do,
Road and High Street, Square and Fountain
Now we're needing the loo.

Oh! Bus of wonder, Bus of night,
It won't turn up until the night,
Westfields leaving still in Ealing,

This may turn into a fight.

Still we wait and need the bog,
Will try to see the Drivers log,
He's not speeding leaving Ealing,
And he's got lost in the fog

Oh! Bus of wonder, Bus of night,
Now to much of our delight
We are leaving 'cos we are weeing
At the bus stop here tonight...